


The Monsters That I've Been

by protectginozasquad



Category: Psycho-Pass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, How About I Make Episode 21 Worse, M/M, suicidal ideation tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 07:57:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5860618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectginozasquad/pseuds/protectginozasquad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kougami Shinya is made of betrayal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Monsters That I've Been

Kougami jumped as he heard the crates fall. He backed quickly against a wall, sure this was only a distraction, another trick by Makishima to pull his attention away from tracking him, to throw him off the scent, when he was as close to finished with this struggle as he had ever been. 

But then he heard shouting, the scuffling sound of a struggle, and - his heart seemed to stop - Ginoza. There was something in Ginoza’s voice, something visceral, desperate, but it was off in the distance, and Kougami knew, somehow, that he was running out of time.

He listened for the source of the sound, and heard Masaoka struggling, arguing. A familiar low growl vied for Kougami’s ears, soft in the way it held pleasure as it spit fire. So it wasn’t a distraction. Makishima was there. Kougami pushed off against the wall, sprinted in the direction of the fight.

Something, forceful, loud, knocked him sideways. It sounded like a building’s demolition, or his own heartbeat. Before he could think anything else, Kougami heard the scream. Screeching, piercing, to anyone else, maybe, it would have been unrecognizable. But no matter how long they had been apart, no matter how many different ways it sounded, Ginoza’s voice was imprinted on Kougami’s mind like a branding mark. 

Had he ever heard Ginoza scream like that?

He arrived, finally, at the source of the sound. Makishima was nowhere to be seen, Masaoka was bleeding out everywhere, on his back, arm gone, and Ginoza was sobbing, body heaving up and down, as he laid on top of his father. 

A grief that hadn’t yet begun weighed on the air like a blanket of fog. Kougami could have cut through it with his knife, could have told you this was what nightmares were made of. Masaoka was growing soft in his speech, as Kougami ran up to them, he heard the last of the words, not meant for him.

“...when I was young.” 

“Dad... Dad!” Ginoza’s voice was ugly. Kougami approached quietly, his movements suddenly apprehensive, for the first time in months. Caution wasn’t something he was used to taking. But he didn’t deserve to comfort Gino, not now, no matter how much his face was scrunched up, marred with grief. Kougami didn’t have that right anymore.

When Masaoka’s raised hand fell from Ginoza’s face, Kougami couldn’t take it. He spoke quietly. 

“Gino...” 

Ginoza looked up at him, eyes confused, misted over. 

Suddenly Kougami felt afraid. A jolt ran through him, his thought short-circuited as he looked, really looked at Ginoza’s wounds. He was bleeding, not just from the arm, but from his neck. He was so pale, a cloud of steam fading from the air. Kougami froze, perhaps for the first time in his life, unable to do anything, spellbound in fear’s tight grip. With a too-loud gasp, Ginoza opened his mouth to speak.

“Kou... I...”

His eyes rolled back and he collapsed on top of his dad. 

Kougami could have sworn his heart stopped. He lurched forward before falling hard to his knees. His gun clattered to the ground beside him, just as useless as he was. The ground was cold, unforgiving, like death.

“N-no," he could feel his voice shaking, shoulders shiver with panic, "Gino! Gino!” 

How could he have been so careless? He was trained better than this, he loved Ginoza more than this, than to watch uselessly as his lover collapsed, than to forget to look for bleeding, notice the danger of shortened breath.

It shouldn’t have been surprising, that he had failed Ginoza again. He had been failing Ginoza for as long as he could remember. He just never expected that failure could look like this. Kougami pulled Ginoza off Masaoka, ignored how limp he was, laid him in his lap.

“Gino, open your eyes,” voice still shaking, Kougami felt the blood slow, sticky against his hands. Ginoza’s face was not peaceful, he was not resting. Surely that had to mean he was still alive, no matter his stilled chest, Kougami thought against all reason, all logic. 

“Gino, _please,_ ” Kougami’s voice lowered, barely above a whisper as he brushed Ginoza’s bangs to the side, the way he used to do in a tease, with a smile, praying the tenderness could change reality.

Those were days long past, days Kougami had never deserved, not then, not now. He didn’t deserve to have them, he didn’t deserve to remember them. No amount of tenderness would bring them back, keep Ginoza safe. His eyes stung as he tightened his grip on Ginoza’s body. That’s right - Ginoza wasn’t there anymore. It was only his body, a shell, a container holding nothing more than the memory of everything Kougami had ever done wrong. 

Kougami was burning, his hands, face, chest all hot with rage. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes before disappearing almost immediately, dissipated by the fire of his anger. Sorrow wouldn’t come yet - he had long forgotten how to feel that emotion. It would take learning, the feeling of grief. 

Even though Ginoza was gone, it felt like a betrayal to leave his body there warm. 

Kougami Shinya was made of betrayal.

Hollow, empty, as though he were not in control of himself, Kougami laid Ginoza back on top of Masaoka, did not find solace in the knowledge that they were resting together. His hands grabbed at the ground, shaking but resolved. It didn’t take long. Gun in hand, Kougami pushed off the ground and stitched the mask back on: became a machine, a killer, running on empty, propelled forward by his own emptiness. 

Kougami hated the way he ran for Makishima, the way he could blink the tears away in the name of revenge. He hoped the gun would have an extra bullet in it, when all was said and done.


End file.
